An Open Letter - Be prepared to cry - I did just writing it!

As I was reading Frumpy Professor's blog, I was reminded of an open letter I wrote some time back to my deceased Mother. I wrote it a couple years after the fact, but I find myself around a whole new circle of friends who were never exposed to that page of my life or that webpage that put all my pain on a screen for everyone to read. So today, I put it out there again, in the hopes that, when I show my cold and jaded side, you - my beloved friends and blog readers - will understand why I am the way I am. So here goes it.

 

Dear Mother,

     It's now been almost 7 years since you died, and it still hurts - terribly. The pain has never gone away, the pain has barely subsided at all. But, I've learned to deal with it better I guess. I have someone that understands what it's like to lose everything suddenly - his dad died the day he retired from a sudden heart attack. So don't worry about me, I have someone. A lot of grieving daughters don't.

     I learned so much from you, you had so much to give even though no one gave you an ounce of credit or support. You supported me when the kids in school were so mean to me that I just wanted to come home and bawl. You supported me when I walked out of Taco Bell. You supported me when I was scared to start college. You showed me how to be civil even when you hate the people you're around. You showed me it's ok to go it alone. You taught me the basics of the kitchen even though I didn't want to listen and had to be retaught and given a confidence boost later. You were the greatest Mom I could've asked for. You taught me responsibility in the same breath as rewarding me for a job well done - that takes talent!

     No we didn't always get along. Most Mother and Daughter combinations don't get along perfectly, especially as time passes. But you always loved me and were freely available for advice even when I moved away from home (though sometimes it wasn't advice I wanted to get from YOU of all people). I told you after I arrived in AZ that I was sorry that I had to leave the way I did, but you understood why I did - and agreed. You understood the family was turning against us. Unfortunately, I wasn't there to protect you from a hateful sister. But I had to give you your freedom back. You gave up 20 years for me. I had to give you your identity back. It was the least I could do for you. I'm sorry that your sister was hateful and your "husband" was a selfish user. But you finally got to take a feel of the world for yourself for the first time in two decades. And we both know I had to find my place in the world - and KS had nothing for me. I had to see the world, what it was like, what was around me, and what society was like.

     Don't be mad at how I was treated along the way, don't be mad about how things went down from time to time. Without the pain, I would've never learned. Without the bad times I'd never be able to appreciate the good times. Without the rough trip, I'd never have had the chance to do what I've done, rescue the souls I have, touched the souls that needed touched, or fallen in love with someone that actually understands me. I know, I've made a lot of stupid decisions along the way. But we all do that when we're just starting out in the world. Don't worry, I can't fall so far that the world is microscopically small anymore. I have someone to catch me now, like you did when I was young.

     This time between me and you came to an abrupt end, as I must do again now. But rest assured, I know you're still around, you've never left my side completely. And while this was most troubling and greivous at first, I now find it most comforting. Please know I'm ok, don't worry, and enjoy eternity. I will see you shortly - though I no longer wish to rush into it. I understand now. I understand why I'm here. Thank you - for your love, nurturing, support, and guidance through almost 21 years of my life. Thank you.

 

Love,

Your Daughter