Mother's Day is quickly approaching - if it hasn't already passed me by. I try so hard to forget it, the last few have been very painful to say the least. As I posted on the group I started on Google Groups, this isn't a time for grieving, it's a time for celebration and happy memories. However, I also know this is easier said than done - all too well. At least in my case, Mom's death was made all the more painful by the anger, hatred and blame placed upon me by her own sister. Death is supposed to draw families back together. But in my family, it only pushes us farther apart. This was true when Grandma died, it has become even more so with Mom's passing in 2001. The lines are very clearly drawn - largely amongst generational lines. Mom's generation seems to think that heart attacks can be caused by grievances over a year old - and neglect to mention other facts. My generation sees the falacy in blaming ANYONE for a natural occurance - it is the cycle of life. We are conceived, spend 9 months in warm darkness, and then come into a bright world and spend the rest of our lives trying to get back to the bliss of warm peace and comfort. However, it seems that the blame game is limited to mostly my own blood relatives that were supposedly closest to her in relations and distance. It seems it was my responsibility to care for her for her entire life and no one bothered to tell me. Had I known she was dying, I'd never left home. I'd waited that little more than a year, hauled her @ss to the doctor, kept her going, and given her the best treatment I could. But I can't go back, and no matter how much I want to, it won't bring Mother back. And honestly, even if I COULD, I would NOT. She is at peace. What awaits us after death is a moot point in this case - even if we are worm food, she is no longer suffering. If there is truly a heaven, she is being well taken care of and surrounded by family and friends that went before her and have since joined her (her best friend died 6 years later exactly - this past January). She didn't need to see 9/11/01. She didn't need to see her little girl's heart get ripped out. She would've been proud though at how I managed to pick myself up and find my way once again. Granted, I had help. I had a friend to walk me through the grieving process - and in that process, we fell in love. My Mom would give me a HUGE high five for proving all our doubters wrong as we made it to the five year mark together. Would Mom like the man I fell in love for? At first, no. No man is ever good enough for a Mother's only daughter. But I think she'd come around. Her utmost priority was my happiness, and if I was happy, she was happy for me. Granted, sometimes TOO much, there are just some things a girl does NOT want to hear come out of her Mother's mouth!! But I think with a little time, she'd fall in love with the love of my life and taken him in as one of her own. Though I'm sure she'd never let him live down any slight disagreement we'd have. I'm also sure she'd remind him any harm done to me would be done 100 fold to him!! Mothers are protective like that! But I honestly do think she'd like him. Heck, I wouldn't be too surprised if she'd tried to take him for herself! I am my Mother's daughter - so I have no doubt our tastes in men are probably extremely similar. Mom would probably also be very happy that we have decided to not have kids. Mom was weird, she had no desire to be a grandma. Now if she got that chance, she'd probably eat it up. She probably just told me she didn't want to be one cause she wouldn't want me to go through the stress and pain of childbirth and raising. But Mom loved her nephew's son, and I know she would've loved the other babies that have come since she passed and will surely come in the future. I personally believe she's at least looked down on them at least once or twice and smiled with pride.
Mom was a special woman. She fought for what was right and true, even when no one believed her. She fought for me and my rights even when no one listened. She provided for me even if it meant she went without. She sacrificed everything she knew to give me a chance, even when everyone counted me out. I'll never forget the pride, joy, and love in her face the day I graduated high school with honors and the in-laws were more proud of me than their own kids. It was our "I TOLD YOU SO" moment! Mom was probably no different than a lot of moms. But she was special to me. And for all the sacrifices she made for me, I shall ensure her memory lives on forever, as I'm sure her favorite nephew will make sure her memory lives on as well. I may have been an only child, but at least her three oldest nephews were like her own children, and she loved them as much as she did me - IF NOT MORE!!
So on this most dreaded and sad of days for me personally, I choose, even if it's just for a moment, to be happy. I choose to celebrate the woman who gave me life when others wanted me aborted, fought to keep custody of me, and made me be successful. I will always love you Mom!!!!