Monday, January 17, 2011
You see, she was no ordinary woman.
She took punches for me - literally.
She stood up for me when no one else would.
She protected me from all those who stood against me.
She inspired me when I needed a little inspiration.
She understood when I had to spread my wings.
She was never more than a phone call away.
She was my best friend.
Most importantly, she was my MOTHER.
Now we all have 'em, for better or for worse. And trust me, the relationship was NOT always smooth. I can't tell you how many arguments we got in, because I'm sure I'd forget some. But she was MINE. She was the ONE constant thing in my life devoid of male role-model figures or siblings or friends I could trust. She was truly the best Mom I could've asked for. She refused to abort me, even though the financing was available and I was the LAST thing she wanted at that point in her life. She uprooted her entire life for me.
Tomorrow marks a decade since a sudden, massive heart attack took her either as she went to nap or as she dozed off. I was half a country away working and celebrating my birthday not knowing that Mom had died the day before because no one in my family bothered to even TRY to tell me any earlier than the night of the 19th. I had talked to her the week before and agreed that we'd either talk on my birthday or the day after. I wasn't expecting this - there were no warning signs, and Mom wasn't one to hide things from me. We weren't the typical mother-daughter duo. There were no secrets. She knew things weren't going well for me (though she didn't know the extent) and I had suspicions about her life too though I was helpless to change things (and God knows if I had known how things were going to go, I wouldn't have left her in Kansas).
So as we approach the day, please, PLEASE spare me the happy birthdays. Too many people have died on/near my birthday. Between my Grandpa, Mom and Mom's best friend (who was like a 2nd mom to me and died on the exact same day as Mom just a few years later), I'm DONE with birthdays. Spare me the pity too, I don't have time for it. This isn't a pity party, this is a week to remember the 21 years I had with the most important woman I have ever known. This is a brief moment where I give myself the time to deal with all the issues that arose from that fateful moment in my life. I'm still waiting for some people to do some things that they should've done a long time ago too. But I'm not holding out hope or stopping my life in anticipation either. It's not for me to deal with. What's done is done, what's said has been said and can't be taken back. My heart was broken into a million pieces and slowly repaired with lots of superglue (love), kittykisses (from snowflake) and purrs.
So while it's snowing and all sorts of other crud outside tomorrow, I'll be inside thinking of her - and probably playing some tunes on Twitter if anyone wants to join me. Don't know when though.