Monday, January 17, 2011

A Sad Day

This is the most difficult post I've done in a VERY long time. I'm sure to take a lot of flak for it too; a lot of "get over it." Well sorry folks, I'm NOT over it. I've moved on, don't get me wrong. But I'm not over it. I never will be. There will always be a big gaping hole in my heart where she once was.
You see, she was no ordinary woman.
She took punches for me - literally.
She stood up for me when no one else would.
She protected me from all those who stood against me.
She inspired me when I needed a little inspiration.
She understood when I had to spread my wings.
She was never more than a phone call away.
She was my best friend.
Most importantly, she was my MOTHER.
Now we all have 'em, for better or for worse. And trust me, the relationship was NOT always smooth. I can't tell you how many arguments we got in, because I'm sure I'd forget some. But she was MINE. She was the ONE constant thing in my life devoid of male role-model figures or siblings or friends I could trust. She was truly the best Mom I could've asked for. She refused to abort me, even though the financing was available and I was the LAST thing she wanted at that point in her life. She uprooted her entire life for me.
Tomorrow marks a decade since a sudden, massive heart attack took her either as she went to nap or as she dozed off. I was half a country away working and celebrating my birthday not knowing that Mom had died the day before because no one in my family bothered to even TRY to tell me any earlier than the night of the 19th. I had talked to her the week before and agreed that we'd either talk on my birthday or the day after. I wasn't expecting this - there were no warning signs, and Mom wasn't one to hide things from me. We weren't the typical mother-daughter duo. There were no secrets. She knew things weren't going well for me (though she didn't know the extent) and I had suspicions about her life too though I was helpless to change things (and God knows if I had known how things were going to go, I wouldn't have left her in Kansas).
So as we approach the day, please, PLEASE spare me the happy birthdays. Too many people have died on/near my birthday. Between my Grandpa, Mom and Mom's best friend (who was like a 2nd mom to me and died on the exact same day as Mom just a few years later), I'm DONE with birthdays. Spare me the pity too, I don't have time for it. This isn't a pity party, this is a week to remember the 21 years I had with the most important woman I have ever known. This is a brief moment where I give myself the time to deal with all the issues that arose from that fateful moment in my life. I'm still waiting for some people to do some things that they should've done a long time ago too. But I'm not holding out hope or stopping my life in anticipation either. It's not for me to deal with. What's done is done, what's said has been said and can't be taken back. My heart was broken into a million pieces and slowly repaired with lots of superglue (love), kittykisses (from snowflake) and purrs.
So while it's snowing and all sorts of other crud outside tomorrow, I'll be inside thinking of her - and probably playing some tunes on Twitter if anyone wants to join me. Don't know when though.

<3 Mom



Kat said...

May the memories of love outweigh the grief of loss.

purrs & prayers,
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Kitty Horde & their Feeders

Meg said...

I'm sorry for your loss, and I hope you remember her with happiness that heals your heart.


Lynx217 said...

Thank you sweetie. I spent so long doing anything BUT dealing with it that
when I finally got to dealing with it, even Nimbus was already here. *sigh*
The first visit to her grave was so traumatic, because she had married
(albeit I don't think it was willingly - too many questions and issues) just
a few months before she died, not seeing our family name on the grave set
about a whole new wave of denial. It has been quite a journey.

Pumpkinpuddy said...

Pumpkins Mom here. No pity. Just lots of love. It's been 3 1/2 years since I lost my mom and 11 since I lost my dad. When you're that close to your parent(s) nothing will ever fill the hole that's left when they go. Sounds like you had a great mom. Remember her with love and give the cats an extra hug.

Mickey,Georgia & Tillie said...

Just dropping by to offer you a nice big HUG!!
Kitties send purrs.
We wish you peace.

Lynx217 said...

Thank you for your kind words sweetheart. It's weird how, after they're
gone, you even miss the arguments!

TheMeezers said...

It's always hard to lose your mother - no matter how old you are and how long ago it was, there's always going to be a hole in your heart. Many purrrrrrsssssss and {{HUGS}} to you

Brian said...

I send you many hugs and purrs my friend.

mariodacat said...

Mario's mom here - How very painful to lose your mom at a young age. I'm happy you are able to remember the good times with her and the good things. No one can every take away those happy memories. I still miss my mother and I was much older when she was taken. I still want to pick up the phone and call her sometimes. HUGS.

Fuzzy Tales said...

Sending you purrs and Light, keeping you in our thoughts.

Lynx217 said...

Thank you. Yes it does, but time does take the edge off the pain. *sigh*

Cats of Wildcat Woods said...

I know how hard it is to lose a mom and my heart aches for you. No matter how much time goes by - it still hurts. Sending loving purrs to you and may you have a sweet time remembering the happy times.